Interview Blues

I don’t Know why but when it comes to interviews I feel like im cursed..

None of them  go without some form of unfortuante mishap.. Here is a brief summary of some of them.

So 2014 summer was a difficult one. I was bored, Jobless and broke and nothing much of any significance was happening. I was delighted when i got a call from a shop in town and was invited for an interview..

Job interview one : Small boutique , random attic

“Come upstairs to the attic”.  I looked at the strange man with the oblong headscarf and sweat stained shirt and said ok. A job was a Job at the end of the day. After clambering up those flights of stairs I sat down on the wooden chair in front of him and the attic door was shut behind me by another angry man in a greyish white tanktop.

” Are you married?” He asked gruffly looking me up and down as if i was a cattle being sold at a mart.

” No but I am in a committed relationship”. He seemed to approve of this statement.

” I DONT SEE ANY REFERENCES ON THIS CV!!WHERE ARE YOUR REFERENCES?!” his spittle hit my chubby face like bullets and i winced under his ferocious glare.

” I can provide them of course”. My hands were mildly sweaty by this stage.

” YOU BETTER NOT BE LYING TO ME!! I HATE LIARS !!”.

” oh no sir, I would never lie to you!” Unfortunatly for me most of the places I had carried out work experience in had unfortuantely shut down, leaving me in a difficult predicament and making me seem even more suspicous.

” You must dress like the other girls downstairs , i like Bright colours and short skirts”.

“Oh yes absolutely”. He looked me up and down undressing me with his eyes. I could already see i was not sutiable for the Job. Too much education and too much Burger King.

Job interview two : The chrystal cave

The next interview i recieved was for a faux jewellery shop in town which priamrily stocked plastic chrystals for belly dancers to stick on their bikinis. I was greeted by a thin asian woman with luxuriosly long hair and a tight fitting pencil skirt. Here i was brought upstairs to be interviewed.

“Here it is compulsory to wear lipstick and full make up, so for your next appearance you should have a fully made up face”.

” I am wearing make up “. she looked at me with distaste.

“Oh, well thank you for your application”.

Needless to say i did not get the job there.

Job interview three Lidl

I was delighted after a long process of filling out application forms, scenario questions and IQ tests that I would eventually be interviewed by Lidl. After three more tests in english maths and other logic tests I was forced to wait five hours for my interview with the other 150 applicants all wishing to stock shelves at lidl. I felt it necessary to kindly greet those around me. There was a large rotund bleached blonde girl beside me so i felt it would be best to begin with her.

” How did the tests go for you?”

“Ah grand i just coloured in the circles yano?”. I was puzzled momentarily but i realised by circles she meant answer options and that no thought had gone into her test, rather she just coloured in the circles as she pleased. I admired her free spirit but also questioned the lack of thought that had gone into her application and how she had got here in the first place.

“Dont ya just hate those college fuckers who think their better than everyone? fucking snobs they are”. of course being in the most snobbiest course in ireland i felt it was best i kept my cakehole shut to survive.

“Oh yeah absolutely right old fuckers so they are, so what do you reckon work here for life?”

” Ya i have a frien’ jacinta who works there says their great to ya there”.

Unfortuantely the manager approached me

” ah our only law graduate how interesting?!”.

All of the other girls hissed like snakes and an angry fire burnt in their eyes.

” Ya lying geebag thought you were better than us did ye?”

“No NO YOU ARE MUCH BETTER THAN ME , I HAVE NO PRACTICAL SKILLS TO MY NAME,SURE I HAVENT HAD A JOB YET, YOU WOULD BE WAY MORE CLUED IN THAN ME , SALT OF THE EARTH, TRUE DUBLINERS!”.

“ya youre right we are better than ye i bet we will get this job and you won’t”.

And never was a word truer spoken. I think i spoke too much about law and by the time it got to half five i was exhausted as i had been avoiding being beaten up all day.

Job interview four: Boots

So today i had my Job interview for boots. My first downfall was that i had forgotten my passport which was stated in the email. Then the questions asked were of a very curious nature.

“Did you ever have a relationship of confidence in your life?”

” Have you developed much as a person since you made this application?”

” what difficult encounter did you overcome and how did it mould who you are today?”  after blabbing out some incoherent answers i was forced to try and explain the advantages of a club card to customers.

The first one i startled completely and she dropped her shopping all over the floor. “WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOU STARTLED ME”.  The manager watched from afar as i helped the woman pick up her shopping “No no im fine really please i already have one of those”.

The second person looked up angrily ” could i have a moment of your time to possibly…?”

“No i dont want one of them “. and she walked away grumbling.

The third woman was busy with her baby and just shook her head before i could speak properly to her. By this stage i was so flustered that i found it difficult to sell my product to the manager herself. I must have repeated the word luxurious a million times and it was just a fecking bath scrub at the end of the day. I had over endorsed it so much the queen herself would have exfoliated her arse with it but alas it was too late. I had failed yet again.

I do not know why I am so unlucky. I am overqualified for the part time jobs but under qualifed for a career in law.. I am in a no mans land, a dark hole where no employer ever ventures!  Will i be forced to roam the streets in search of scraps? stay tuned !

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