Gulliver and Gilligan part three: “Welcome Home.”

Gulliver pressed ahead with his somewhat pompous speech with grim determination. He ended on a jovial note, some tripe about how they were all connected by a common thread and had all impacted upon the legal world in bright and innovative ways. Gilligan swayed from foot to foot, and stared up at the podium through bleary bloodshot eyes. His scornful gaze burnt into a trembling Gulliver, who was consumed by a strange form of guilt and shame. He descended down from the podium and walked across the atrium where Gilligan sat cross legged on the floor, clasping an empty bottle of whiskey close to his chest.

“Gilligan what has become of you my friend.. why are you consumed by such bitterness. This is not you”.

“Fuck off Gulliver. ” Gulliver sighed and attempted to hoist him up under the armpits. “PISS OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE “. Gilligan vomited profusely, his whole body succumbing to bouts of trembling . Gulliver sat him down, mopping his fevered brow with a silken handkerchief. “It’s ok Gill, come on home with me there’s the chap “.  Gilligan reluctantly allowed a sombre Gulliver to escort him to his car, which was conveniently parked outside of the law school.  They drove in silence along the long winding roads, listening to the clackety  rattling of the engine.

“Jesus Gulliver with the money you are on you think you would invest in a better vehicle then this?!” Gulliver smiled thoughtfully “Could be an idea Gill, maybe you could hep me find one”. Gilligan scoffed and pressed his face against the cold glass of the window. Little drops of condensation dampened his wild and unruly mop of hair. He grunted and regretfully fell into a deep slumber.

Upon arrival the car juddered to a halt. Gulliver gently shook Gilligan’s shoulder till he had awoken fully.  “We’re here now Gilligan, do you need help getting out there?” Gilligan shook him off angrily “I’m not a charity case I’m fine”. They walked up the cobblestone driveway in silence.  Gulliver fumbled in his blazer pockets till he found the golden key.  The lock omitted a strange clinking sound as the mahogany door swung open. Gilligan stepped inside looking around in wonder and awe at the elaborate dining room, the long winding staircase furnished with ivy, the ginormous bookshelves lined with hefty hardbacks. “FUCK ME !YOU HAVE LANDED ON YOUR FEET”.  He collapsed down on the leather recliner, rubbing a bleary eye with his curled fist.  Gulliver smiled forlornly and patted Gilligan’s curled up fist . “What ails you Gill?is it financial? do you need a loan?”. Gilligan sighed “Is it ever not financial ?! No I just don’t see a fucking point to anything anymore. Laura’s gone. My house is up for sale. My life is a fucking Joke. To be honest I’d do myself in now only I heard hell was pretty hot. You recall how much i hated that class trip to Cyprus”.  Gulliver knelt down beside him, and looked up at him through polished spectacles. “Well Gill you can stay here as long as you like. I’ve been searching for a lodger. can be awfully monotonous up here by myself. As for death…how about we make a pact? let’s just say each morning we shall check on each other and ensure each other’s survival”. Gilligan looked up at him perplexed, his ashen face creased in confusion. “How do you mean?”. Gulliver smiled “Well i’ll pop my head in the door and politely inquire on whether you have succumbed to the reapers deathly grasp. Have you killed yourself yet Gilligan? and hopefully you will respond that you simply didn’t get round to it at the moment and that you will last till the evening time.”. Gilligan stared, his eyes wide with shock. Then he broke out into peals of raucous laughter, which reverberated through the room. “Oh that is some seriously twisted shit right there Gully boy”. Gulliver smiled, “Quite… and i will expect it to be reciprocated. Goodnight old boy. we shall talk more tomorrow”. He flicked off the light switch. Gilligan rolled over on the couch , his pain numbed somewhat by the alcohol. He wanted to cry but felt he hadn’t the energy. He curled up into the foetal position and was haunted once again by Laura. He could almost hear her whisper goodnight, smell the faint aroma of perfume.He hugged his knees tightly and stared into the darkness, allowing it to consume him once more. He had never felt so alone in all of his life.

Advertisements

Gulliver and Gilligan :Part two

Part two “Side by side or miles apart, good friends are always close at heart“.

Gulliver stood behind the mahogany podium and cleared his throat awkwardly. He surveyed the crowd with a slight nervous apprehension. He had constructed a haphazard speech in the early hours of the morning,whilst nursing a glass of brandy..He seemed to be suffering some sort of intense writers block that night, and felt it was necessary to calm his nerves..”Well ladies and gents great to see so many faces here today! such a lovely turn out! “. Gulliver gazed down at all of the familiar faces and spotted Gilligan a mile away. The weather beaten face, the furrow in his brow, the unruly mop of now grey hair.  To his utmost horror he realized Gilligan had succumbed to a drunken stupor and was knocking back champagne flutes with apparent ease. “Ahhh Gully great to see you here, back at the throne and wearing all your finery !Nice of you to grace us mere peasants with your presence. Didn’t think I would ever see you again”.  Following that drunken exclamation, there was a sharp and unpleasant silence. The humiliation filtered up through Gulliver’s body, his face turning bright puce. “Well Gilligan as they say side by side or miles apart, good friends are always close at heart !Anyway shall we return again ladies and gents to why we are gathered here today, and all that the class of 2000 has achieved”…

Gilligan had always felt a little bit different from other people.. removed and isolated .. He felt like he was a lone ranger, observing  the world through the lens of a large telescope, watching the little humans scuttle like ants. He was separate to them.. He was wired differently. Yet he had grown to accept this..In fact he almost now regarded this isolation with proud indifference and went about his business under the misapprehension that no man was an island except him. That’s when he met Laura. The only other human in the universe who really understood him, and accepted his weird and wacky ways.. Or at least he thought so anyway! Throughout the years she had been supportive of his strange schemes, theories and inventions. Had cooked him his meals, tucked him up when he was ill, listened to his rants about how unfair society was ,or how even the closest friends he had would stab him in the back eventually. “YOU CAN TRUST NO ONE IN THIS WORLD LAR, NOT ONE!!” Gilligan set high standards for his friendships. Those  who didn’t make the cut, well they formed the subject matter of his numerous tyrannical rants.  “LAR THAT JEFFREY SAUNDERS WAS A DIRTY BACK STABBING RUFFIAN, I KNEW I COULDN’T TRUST HIM WITH THE PROTOTYPE!I HOPE HE ROTS IN HELL THE BASTARD”. Lar’s face grew weary and anxious, her smile eroding away under the harsh glare of Gilligan’s words. Lar’s hair started to fall out in clumps.. Gilligan  noticed wisps of blonde hair on the pillows. He also felt her toss and turn in the bed beside him, the blanket wrapping itself tightly around her worried body, trapping her like a frightened caterpillar in a doom filled cocoon. One day Laura snapped.

“GILLIGAN  I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! NOTHING IS WORKING! YOUR MIRACLE HAIR GROWTH INDUCER GAVE MS BROWN A FUCKING BEARD ! YOUR MIRACLE FISH GROWTH SOLUTION GAVE MR PECKS GOLDFISH A FLIPPING TUMOR AND DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON THAT FUCKING CAR AIR FRESHENER THAT SMELT LIKE A CANDIED VEGAAAS WHORE! YOU ARE SO NEGATIVE! MY FRIENDS NEVER COME TO SEE ME ANYMORE!! AND IT’S BECAUSE OF YOU AND ALL THIS BULLSHIT HASSLE!”. Laura inhaled and exhaled rapidly as if she was running a race and her life depended on it .

Gilligan, for once in his thirty five years on the planet was at a loss for words.. “I’m sorry Lar.. I love you so much, you are the light of my life darling“.   Laura’s face remained set in a look of stony resignation “Gilligan, It’s over, I will be staying with mother and Gregory. I can’t deal with this anymore. You said you would get help. You said you would change. You never did and you never will.” Gilligan stared at her dumb founded. He felt a sharp pang somewhere deep in the hollow of his chest. He found it rather hard to breath, as if his lungs had constricted and then deflated like popped balloons. His mouth was desert dry, his lips quivering. He heard the rush of blood in his ears, felt his pulse vibrating in his throat. He had nothing.. absolutely nothing..  He managed eventually, miraculously even,  to formulate some form of coherent response. “Oh.. ok .. I take it you have packed your things then? and your mind is made up then? No room for manoeuvre ? Shouldn’t we perhaps formulate some sort of plan here ?” Laura stared sadly at him, ” We both deserve to be happy Gil, no regrets yeah ? Maybe in time we can be friends “.  Gilligan doubted that very much somehow. He doubted that very much indeed..

Gulliver and Gilligan

Part one “Cordial invitations”.

“Dear Mr Gilligan,

You have been cordially invited to the school of laws class reunion. There will be refreshments served in the atrium, and several guest speakers with the inclusion of Justice Gulliver of the High Court! Please RSVP as soon as is convenient.

Kind regards,

Linda Blakely”.

Gilligan sighed and ran a comb through his thinning, snowy grey hair. He rubbed his horn rimmed spectacles with a damp moth bitten cloth and hummed absentmindedly ( a hobby which his ex partner Laura loathed with a passion) . Well good old Gully had landed on his feet anyway that’s for sure, or Justice Gulliver as he would now be referred to. Gilligan recalled back to the days when they were smoking spliffs down by the algae ridden pond at the back of the college, and hedging bets as to who would first get to second base with Deborah Diamond. ” Gully my man you ain’t getting anywhere near old Debbie, I’m a pro with the ladies. You keep your nose in the books, and leave her to me “. Gilligan had always been a charmer, always bursting to the brim with humor. His jocularity and flirtatious behaviour caused his reputation to be severely tarnished. He had been doused in wine, slapped, his manhood had been endangered (He wouldn’t forget that valentine’s night in a hurry). There was something about Laura Carter though.. Maybe it was the fact she didn’t ever give a fuck about other people’s opinions, and no matter how hard Gilligan persevered the girl was unattainable. Gilligan loved the thrill of the chase, he thrived on it. He recalled back to the final year summer when she finally succumbed to going a date with him. He had leaped up from the wooden bench and knocked over a shelf load of dusty volumes of “Equity throughout the centuries”, earning himself several angry glares from the rest of his classmates. Gulliver had tried desperately to coerce him into the library “Come on Gilligan six weeks till exams my friends!you can have all the women in the world after that!!” But there was only ever one that he wanted…

Gulliver reclined back in the brown leather armchair and thoughtfully sucked on the top of his engraved fountain pen, which had been gifted to him from an elderly and incredibly satisfied client. He had the unfortunate task ahead of preparing the welcome speech for the class reunion. He recollected regretfully back to his college days.. He had never really left the confines of the library, or at least very rarely.  He had participated in the odd bout of mooting and debating, attended the student legal service gatherings and networking events, but that’s as far as his socializing extended. well actually that wasn’t entirely true..Gulliver silently gazed into the fireplace, watching the flames rapidly engulf the kindling . He fondly remembered his wild unruly amigo Gilligan, with the curly mop of  hair and the wicked ways. Gilligan was a childhood friend since their first days of national school , all the way up to college. He always seemed to be getting himself into spots of memorable bother, which Gulliver would have to come and extract him from. The scenarios usually involved angry professors, angry women, infuriated neighbours! Mr Parker’s dog was never the same after Gillligan had tested the newly invented collar on him.. “I AM TELLING YOU GULLY, HE WILL BE AS MEEK AS A MOUSE WHEN WE GET THIS COLLAR ON! IT’S INFUSED WITH JOJOBA AND WHEN IT’S PLACED ON THE NECK IT OMITS VIBRATIONS THAT WILL ACTUALLY INSTANTLY RELAX HIM”. Gulliver recalled being incredibly unsure about the whole situation. He remembered looking down uneasily at Mohammad the bulldog who was growling venemously at the duo. “Well ok Gil, if you are one hundred percent positive and you have tested this prototype out haven’t you ?

“GULLY I WOULD NOT LIE TO YOU MAN!” The two men wrestled a raging mottled fleshy Mohammad to the ground. Gulliver prayed silently to himself that Mr Parker’s poor hearing would prevent him from discovering them in the midst of the heinous crime.  Eventually they managed to fasten the pink collar around Mohammad’s bulging bulbous neck. Mohammad stopped growling and barking but lay disturbingly still on his back. His eyes widened and then glazed over. His breathing was rapid yet shallow.  “GILLIGAN ARE YOU SURE THIS IS A NORMAL RESPONSE?”.  Mohammad started to froth at the mouth, his body convulsing as if he was possessed by some sort of demons. “Oh yeah i’m sure Gully, oh actually I better turn down the voltage on that one, oops !”. Gulliver now knew that fried dog smelt oddly like KFC during a two am shift. He was also now aware that post traumatic stress and nervous shock could indeed be experienced by dogs..Even gruff ones like Mohammad. His bank account paid the price.

Gilligan collapsed down on the mahogany floor in his now empty apartment. “HELLO DARKNESS MY OLD FRIEND!!”. His voice echoed and reverberated around the empty room..He decided he would attend the reunion. Free alcohol never hurt anyone…

Dezzie Diamond Stores – Part one

Part one “May the odds be ever  in your favour”

She sat down abruptly on the stool, and gazed up into the face of the store supervisor Damian. Her palms were sweating profusely and her nerves were wrought with tension. If it was one thing she loathed it was interviews, but then very few people do enjoy being interrogated.. Damian looked down at the beautifully formatted cover letter and Cv that she handed him.

Right says here you’re doing law? what the fuck are you doing here so?“. He stated gruffly, swaggering around the office with a pompous air. Rachel looked up in dismay. Soon however nothing would shock her..

The one thing that could be said for Damian was that he worked hard. Or rather that he made others work hard for him.. He had a keen eye for business , just like his father. Dezzie’s store was renowned for quality service, excellent staff and the freshest chicken fillet rolls in the area. Then again there was only one store in the area.. and most of the customers were elderly, veruca ridden church goers, with a great affection for Brady’s Ham and a deep mistrust of large commercialized entities. “Can’t be trusting dem big stores.. not the same value that dezzie would get ya, and lots of foreigners making the sandwiches “.

Rachel reflected on the first question.. what the fuck was she doing there was right ? she swallowed sadly and looked down at her curled up fists. She thought back to all the rejections and felt a lump rise in her throat. She could almost plaster her walls in the numerous No’s she received..  We regret to inform you that..  Unfortunately … The standard was just so high.. We wish you the very best of luck with your future..  she sighed .

“OI! ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION!!” Damian exclaimed getting impatient. There was rolls to be made, newspapers to be stocked, customers to please, and employees that deserved a good bollocking .

Sorry sir. I am here because I am currently looking for part time work. The reason you should hire me is that I work well under pressure and this is demonstrated...” Damian abruptly stopped her.

Yeah I don’t give a fuck about all that lawyer lingo. Can you do the job properly?! and you’re not fucking going anywhere? like no big fancy jobs lined up, not going off to fucking Hong Kong on an exchange or becoming the next chief justice are ya? like we need you on call whenever the fuck we need someone. So what I don’t need is a big fucking academic throwing their weight around and talking shite“. He crumpled up her CV and covernote with venom, and chucked it into the waste paper basket.

No sir I won’t be going anywhere “. She mumbled sadly, looking down at her black polished shoes.  Damian smiled. “Right so.. Here’s your apron and your cap, I’m Damo, I’m the boss round here. I keep the order, what I say goes.. There’s none of your fancy laws round here.. Only D and D law..” 

D and D law ?” Rachel inquired . Damian chuckled to himself and stomped down the stairs ” Dezzie and Damo’s law.. what we say goes right.  ?”  Rachel nodded glumly, stuffing her unruly mop of hair into a threadbare hair net, which smelt oddly like gherkins.  He lead her down a narrow set of stairs and into the store itself. “Right better introduce ya to some of the staff so”.  Rachel was shocked by this sudden display of decorum, but scurried hurriedly along in his wake.

First site on the list  was the fruit and vegetable stall. Two men in grey uniforms approached her. One with a slight limp, an oblong crooked nose and horn rimmed glasses. The other in his twenties balding with a broad grin splayed across his face. He unfortunately had cross eyes, one eye looking at Rachel, the other looking for her.. Damian left her there momentarily, to fetch her a supervisor for the day.  The cross eyed man introduced himself first ” Hey I’m Tim and that’s Luke there. He has a speech impediment so I’l save him the bother of introducing himself”. Luke grunted gruffly and limped away behind the cabbages.

“He’s a bit shy “. Tim stated blushing slightly. “Oh I don’t mind, I hate small talk anyway”. Rachel said, delighted that she had come across someone pleasant for a change. “Yeah there won’t be much small talk being done here anyway! Just so you know you’d best prepare yourself for the worst.. most people.. well they don’t really make it past the first couple of days here..It would be best to think of working here like competing in the hunger games”.  Damian stormed out of the store fuming “I’M NOT PAYING YOU TO STAND HERE AND FUCKING TALK FOR HOURS, GET IN HERE NOW “.  Tim patted Rachel on the back ..”May the odds be ever in your favour…”

 

 

 

Shop girl shenanigans !

Shop girl shenanigans !

 

So I have just began my first official proper job as a shop assistant ( yay thank god I studied law for four years to stack shelves!) but actually I think this kind of job is just what I needed to get kickstarted into the working world. To be honest I think it is completely necessary for us as students to experience this in order to give us the kick up the ass we need to work harder! I was babied by my grandparents and the government sustained me on a grant but now that’s all been snatched from underneath me. I have no choice but to be a grown up, and take all the responsibilities and burdens that come with that! To tell you the truth though I am incredibly grateful and delighted that I have this kind of opportunity to earn a little cash. Anyway for those thinking of a retail career I have made a brief list of some of the Pros and cons of a typical day as a shop assistant.

Pros

  1. Having the bants with fellow employees :     I have been incredibly fortunate to have met very patient and reasonable people to train me up. Yes there is an art to crisp packing and rotation, and using the till! Actually one of the girls is only 16 yet she is so fast moving and enigmatic she puts me to shame. We were chattering amicably whilst tidying cards and she gave me the lowdown on all the other fellow employees..”Watch out for her with the hoop earrings,” or “the fella with the cross eyes is alright actually he will put all yer bins out for ya”.  We talked about everything from man trouble to politics whilst checking the dates on dusty boxes of toblerone. Having the bants makes work a little more bearable.
  2. Transferrable skills : My god so many of these! My brain is fried I have had to learn so much so quickly. Like I guess previously my pace was porpoise  on pot now I’m a porpoise on a cocktail of E and redbull mixed together with fear and adrenaline. I have to be organised, efficient, show initiative and work well with people, all pretty good transferrable skills.
  3. Dolla dolla bills : I get my wages in cash in a little envelope, which seems a bit dodgey but see no evil speak no evil and all that jazz! I was delighted when I received my first little wad of cash

Cons

  1. Working under pressure : I have never experienced such pressure in the entirety of my legal life ! we have to work at a ferocious pace. The ques build up and cascade out the door when im on the till. Wish I had a makeshift register to practice on each evening.
  2. Strange purchases : unfortunately for me the outlet I work in sells everything from pliers to signed mass cards. I hate all smokers and lotto players also as the I do neither of these things, the different varieties throw me every time.  Or bill payers another problematic issue. WHY?! WHY MUST YOU GET A LOTTO TICKET, A MASS CARD, A PACK OF CIGARES AND FILTERS AND PAY HALF IN CARD AND HALF IN CHANGE WHY?!
  3. Terrible bosses : Well the problem with the place I work is I have several employers  and they all prowl around sniffing out mistakes or lackadaisical laziness.  “QUIT TALKING YOU TWO DONKEYS” or “FUCKING CLEAN THAT QUICKLY” though sometimes they can be nice too “Listen if I fucking told you to get off the till, its nothing personal right? I just think you’re too slow because you’re new like”. Awww love is in the air!

So overall It’s a really worthy and valuable experience and one I would entirely recommend !

Proper pops the new healthy snack?!

Proper pops“PROPER POPS..THE POPTASTIC SNACK OF THE FUTURE!”

So I was perusing through Facebook, as unemployed graduates often do, and I came across a very interesting offer. A new brand of healthy snack was advertised “Proper Pops”. My curiosity got the better of me, and I investigated this phenomenon further. Some of the flavours seemed very peculiar to say in the least. lemon and chilli, paprika, lemon grass and garlic. But since I had recently graduated from college, my new aim in life was to try all things wacky and wonderful. Though I should mention as a disclaimer here, I was so hungry that if I was offered chocolate dipped rats I would probably have consumed them by the dozen as well.

Anyway moving swiftly onwards. so I noticed Proper pops were looking for tasters. PICK ME! I said and in return I would write a small review. So the company were happy to oblige, and within a few days I had a very flashy package delivered right to my door.  As soon as it arrived I was ready to rip it open, but my granny exclaimed “NO! NOT TILL AFTER DINNER”. (as a 23-year-old ex law student I know granny’s rules take precedent in my house so I would have to wait) So we had the usual mundane meal of potatoes and cabbage and gravy (yawn boring) Then we heard the chime of the doorbell and a wave of visitors entered in.  Two elderly ladies in tanned stockings and tartan skirts, and a rather pious nun, (who for the sake of this review shall be named sister Angela) I realised that through underhand methods I could in fact coerce them into becoming my Secret sample group. So I coaxed the rosary bead laden trio into the sitting room, and concocted a cunning plan.  I filled up the teapot and instead of dusting off the ancient crumbled fig rolls, or attempting to separate the sticky mass of mint humbugs (What is it with the elderly and disgusting boiled sweets?!) I offered them proper pops instead. Living on the edge or what?!

So in separate bowls I placed the five individual flavours for trying. I had to convince them that the snack was in fact delicious and totally safe but yet I also had to exclude myself from all liability should anything go awry (there would be no duty of care owed in this house!!)  There were a few usual concerns coming from Maureen “Will they get stuck in my dentures?! What if you have high blood pressure? Will I choke on them?!” So after assuring them all that proper pops would not stick in their craw, or affect their blood pressure, and yes of course they would still have tea, we got down to business.

Flavour result table…

  1. Zesty lemon and fiery chilli: So I tried this first and oh lord Jesus it was simply divine! The lemon was tangy and refreshing yet the chilli gave it quite an exciting kick, but it wasn’t overbearing at all. I thought they would be quite nice as a replacement crouton in a salad. My score for that would be 8/10.   Sister Angela was the brave soldier for this “I’ve been to Nigeria on the missions, and we had lots of spicy concoctions there!” she exclaimed as she took the plunge. “OH SACRED HEART!” she exclaimed, dropping her rosary beads to the floor. “THAT’S VERY SPICY ALL TOGETHER”. She took a big gulp of tea, but yet consumed another handful whilst murmuring” mmm that’s quite tasty, I could get used to this”. So we popped the proper pops into her handbag to take back the convent to snack on with her cross word. So 8/10 score for that one.
  2. Sizzling and sweet paprika: A definite winner for me! Had a kind of smoky bacon taste.10/10 Thought it would be yummy with a pint of beer whilst watching the match. So poor old denture ridden Maureen went for this one. Her purple rinse candy floss perm stood seemed to crackle with excitement “OOOH THAT REMINDS ME OF MY HUSBAND’S BARBEQUE PARTY IN 1993”, and then there was a gentle chorus of lord rest his soul, isn’t it terrible, and lord have mercy Christ have mercy. but still despite the sad association it was still yummy 10/10
  3. LEMON GRASS, LIME AND GARLIC: ok I wasn’t too sure on this one, the mix seemed a little bit too intense for me and my bland taste buds. I mean still quite zesty and salty and the texture of the crisp was lovely but it wasn’t too my individual liking. However, this could definitely come down to snack bias. so in order to assess what the reasonable man would think of the crisp I had my grandad try it who stated “ooh that’s actually quite nice, couldn’t eat too many but in moderation tasty enough” So we will say 6/ 10 for that one due to personal taste only.

Ok now on the packaging front. Seriously impressive packaging, the colour schemes were really enticing. I’m a bit like a fly to a lit bulb and bright packaging is really enticing to me.  Also the lid ensured that the snacks wouldn’t go stale, and meant I could bring them with me for bus snacks and the like.

On a nutrition related note they were incredibly low in calories, 89 per a pot, which was great for a recovering chocoholic like myself who needs to fit into a grad dress pretty soon. Also they were packed full of protein and fibre which was like an extra added bonus brownie point!

So overall a really delicious, reasonably healthy snack that myself and family would completely recommend.

Interview Blues

I don’t Know why but when it comes to interviews I feel like im cursed..

None of them  go without some form of unfortuante mishap.. Here is a brief summary of some of them.

So 2014 summer was a difficult one. I was bored, Jobless and broke and nothing much of any significance was happening. I was delighted when i got a call from a shop in town and was invited for an interview..

Job interview one : Small boutique , random attic

“Come upstairs to the attic”.  I looked at the strange man with the oblong headscarf and sweat stained shirt and said ok. A job was a Job at the end of the day. After clambering up those flights of stairs I sat down on the wooden chair in front of him and the attic door was shut behind me by another angry man in a greyish white tanktop.

” Are you married?” He asked gruffly looking me up and down as if i was a cattle being sold at a mart.

” No but I am in a committed relationship”. He seemed to approve of this statement.

” I DONT SEE ANY REFERENCES ON THIS CV!!WHERE ARE YOUR REFERENCES?!” his spittle hit my chubby face like bullets and i winced under his ferocious glare.

” I can provide them of course”. My hands were mildly sweaty by this stage.

” YOU BETTER NOT BE LYING TO ME!! I HATE LIARS !!”.

” oh no sir, I would never lie to you!” Unfortunatly for me most of the places I had carried out work experience in had unfortuantely shut down, leaving me in a difficult predicament and making me seem even more suspicous.

” You must dress like the other girls downstairs , i like Bright colours and short skirts”.

“Oh yes absolutely”. He looked me up and down undressing me with his eyes. I could already see i was not sutiable for the Job. Too much education and too much Burger King.

Job interview two : The chrystal cave

The next interview i recieved was for a faux jewellery shop in town which priamrily stocked plastic chrystals for belly dancers to stick on their bikinis. I was greeted by a thin asian woman with luxuriosly long hair and a tight fitting pencil skirt. Here i was brought upstairs to be interviewed.

“Here it is compulsory to wear lipstick and full make up, so for your next appearance you should have a fully made up face”.

” I am wearing make up “. she looked at me with distaste.

“Oh, well thank you for your application”.

Needless to say i did not get the job there.

Job interview three Lidl

I was delighted after a long process of filling out application forms, scenario questions and IQ tests that I would eventually be interviewed by Lidl. After three more tests in english maths and other logic tests I was forced to wait five hours for my interview with the other 150 applicants all wishing to stock shelves at lidl. I felt it necessary to kindly greet those around me. There was a large rotund bleached blonde girl beside me so i felt it would be best to begin with her.

” How did the tests go for you?”

“Ah grand i just coloured in the circles yano?”. I was puzzled momentarily but i realised by circles she meant answer options and that no thought had gone into her test, rather she just coloured in the circles as she pleased. I admired her free spirit but also questioned the lack of thought that had gone into her application and how she had got here in the first place.

“Dont ya just hate those college fuckers who think their better than everyone? fucking snobs they are”. of course being in the most snobbiest course in ireland i felt it was best i kept my cakehole shut to survive.

“Oh yeah absolutely right old fuckers so they are, so what do you reckon work here for life?”

” Ya i have a frien’ jacinta who works there says their great to ya there”.

Unfortuantely the manager approached me

” ah our only law graduate how interesting?!”.

All of the other girls hissed like snakes and an angry fire burnt in their eyes.

” Ya lying geebag thought you were better than us did ye?”

“No NO YOU ARE MUCH BETTER THAN ME , I HAVE NO PRACTICAL SKILLS TO MY NAME,SURE I HAVENT HAD A JOB YET, YOU WOULD BE WAY MORE CLUED IN THAN ME , SALT OF THE EARTH, TRUE DUBLINERS!”.

“ya youre right we are better than ye i bet we will get this job and you won’t”.

And never was a word truer spoken. I think i spoke too much about law and by the time it got to half five i was exhausted as i had been avoiding being beaten up all day.

Job interview four: Boots

So today i had my Job interview for boots. My first downfall was that i had forgotten my passport which was stated in the email. Then the questions asked were of a very curious nature.

“Did you ever have a relationship of confidence in your life?”

” Have you developed much as a person since you made this application?”

” what difficult encounter did you overcome and how did it mould who you are today?”  after blabbing out some incoherent answers i was forced to try and explain the advantages of a club card to customers.

The first one i startled completely and she dropped her shopping all over the floor. “WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOU STARTLED ME”.  The manager watched from afar as i helped the woman pick up her shopping “No no im fine really please i already have one of those”.

The second person looked up angrily ” could i have a moment of your time to possibly…?”

“No i dont want one of them “. and she walked away grumbling.

The third woman was busy with her baby and just shook her head before i could speak properly to her. By this stage i was so flustered that i found it difficult to sell my product to the manager herself. I must have repeated the word luxurious a million times and it was just a fecking bath scrub at the end of the day. I had over endorsed it so much the queen herself would have exfoliated her arse with it but alas it was too late. I had failed yet again.

I do not know why I am so unlucky. I am overqualified for the part time jobs but under qualifed for a career in law.. I am in a no mans land, a dark hole where no employer ever ventures!  Will i be forced to roam the streets in search of scraps? stay tuned !